「面對告別的勇氣」 遲早有一天我們都要面對死亡 不管已婚未婚有沒有子嗣 都要自己面對「一個人死去」這樣的情境 其實這學期回來唸書對我來說不是很容易 在最後一篇小論文拿到高度的肯定 真的感觸良多 「臨終關懷Hospice」這議題 雖然文字著墨上理性的研究分析 一些環境、機構與硬體設備上 對臨終病人身心健康的交織影響 但我其實是帶著很深的情感在寫的 臨終患者對即將到來的死亡容易感到沮喪和焦慮 「孤獨」不應成為額外的負擔 類似於教育 我們不能把臨終和死亡全權讓國家或某些機構 志工、護理人員甚至是家人 都是無法一肩扛起的 我在安寧病房陪伴的經驗中學到 病人要面臨死亡的時候 情緒和內心都很真實 空間逼著自己去思考去面對 面對死亡這個議題 有很多複雜的靈性需求 每一天都練習一點點 誠實去面對和思考 自己人生的廣度與深度 很多生命議題是要自己探索的 找到自己生命的意義感 可能有一天 我們能夠帶領自己或身邊愛的人 走向和平的死亡 Kubler-Ross提出的悲傷的五個階段 (The Five Stages of Grief) 否認→憤怒→討價還價→沮喪→接受 可以應用在失戀、分離、生死等議題上 無論是照顧者或是被照顧者都適用 能幫助自己檢視目前的狀態 停留的時間應人而異 沒有標準答案 在到達「接受」的階段 是有可能重複循環的 所有的情緒都該被看見與被理解 都是一個不容易的過程 當覺察自己進入到下一個階段的時候 要記得幫自己拍拍手呀👏🏻💪🏻👍🏻 參考文獻 1.Aldridge Carlson, M.D., Barry, C.L., Cherlin, E.J., McCorkle, R. and Bradley, E.H., 2012. Hospices’ enrollment policies may contribute to underuse of hospice care in the United States. Health Affairs, 31(12), pp.2690-2698. 2.Kao, Y.H. and Chiang, J.K., 2015. Effect of hospice care on quality indicators of end-of-life care among patients with liver cancer: a national longitudinal population-based study in Taiwan 2000–2011. BMC palliative care, 14(1), pp.1-10. 3.Kubler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Simon and Schuster. #心理學

Yesterday, I went to see my father at the hospital. It was stipulated that each visitor would only be allowed five minutes with him. He collapsed the weekend before last and we were told he only had a few days left to live. Long ago he had signed a do-not-resuscitate order, so he is only being treated with IV fluids and diuresis. When I saw him a week ago, he was barely responsive, but this time he met my gaze and sent me a message that he was in physical discomfort. Touching different parts of his body, I asked him how they felt, and he touched his side. I asked him if he was in pain there, and he nodded. His face was deformed, his mouth hanging open as though his jaw had become dislocated, which I found unbearable. I asked his doctor for palliative treatment, but he said he didn't recommend it because such medications would cause a change in his condition for the worse. My request was rejected once, but when I asked an on-site resident to contact him again, it was accepted, and I am told that he is now receiving some pain medication. I am glad... I wished to relieve my father of his pain as his hands and feet had become chilled to the bone. After I left, I think my mother went to see him in my place. If it hadn't been for the COVID-19 pandemic, I might have been able to stay by his bedside and do what I could to help, but I was rushed out of the hospital room. My heart felt hollow. After I came back to the studio, the look in my father's eyes as he stared at me haunted my mind, and so I drew this sketch. translation: @tabi_the_fat

I'll ocassionally write about my dad on this platform because it's difficult for me to articulate it verbally to others but typing it out feels easier. I also hope that maybe through sharing, it'll help someone who's in a tough situation know that nothing is permanent, and that life goes on. If it affects you negatively at some point, then it's probably better to stop reading. My dad was hospitalized for sepsis about 5 years ago. He eventually left us after a 2 month+ battle. During those 2 months I remember having really challenging moments. I remember seeing him suddenly go unconscious while his eyes were open and I also remember the sight of him being intubated in the ER. One day when things seemed to get slightly better, we brought him back after hiring a male nurse. I left for work and got a call from my brother on the same day saying that the ambulance took him to the ER again. He was foaming at the mouth with blood. At some point both me and my brother were also at our wits end after endless hospital visits that already lasted about a month. The subsequent month was filled with news about my dad's condition getting more and more complicated. One day, when I was alone with him, he told me that he wish he had cancer instead, because that would mean he'd still had a chance to survive. Most of the days, he would say that he'd rather die instead of spending every day at the hospital. We also had to make a very difficult decision one day. The doctor asked if we'd like them to give a final shot at inserting a catheter at his chest. It wasn't a solution but just a painful step to keep him alive temporarily. My dad refused it, the doctor didn't recommend as it would only bring him more pain and we decided to respect those decisions. He went through palliative care after and left early one morning before we could do our daily visits. As much as this took a toll on me, it also made me appreciate smaller things in life more. It made other challenges more trivial, and it made me enjoy happy moments more. If you've read till here, I hope you'll overcome whatever difficulty that you're going through right now and grow from the experience.