when i was pregnant, i didn’t know how my heart was going to handle another child. i knew i wanted another child, i did. i just wasn’t sure if i could have the same bond and relationship i have with my first born. but then, i saw and held zach for the first time in my arms. and just like that, my heart grew a new space just for him. and everyone told me, you will never have the same experience like you did with your first one. the love won’t be the same. and they were right. the love and experience isn’t the same. the first time around, i was worried about how to hold a baby, how to feed a baby, is she too hot ? is she too cold ?, should she be making those sounds ?. the second time around though, holding him was natural, he latched almost immediately and i didn’t have latch and unlatch so many times, i recognized what each cry meant. i could soak in every moment better, the love was even more immense because the worry didn’t cloud it. i did the same things i did with my first born but the experience wasn’t the same. nap times were more predictable, feeding times were calm with lots of hand holding and staring and cuddling was more appreciated because God knows how fast they outgrow it. and now with every nap that he wants to be held, i do it knowing that one day, he will not need to be held as much anymore. with every feed, i watch intently as his eyes focus on mine. with every cry, i try to mentally record it because i know one day i will miss this little baby cry. i try to memorize how his face looks like now because in a week’s time, he’s probably gonna grow a little bit more and look different. the love and bond might not be the same with your second born but it’s definitely not less. so to those mamas preparing their hearts for a second one, don’t worry because when you finally hold them in your arms, everything will just fall into place 💛

TLDR: #Breastfeeding is still (insert expletive) hard now, because Jude throws up like the Merlion frequently. I’m writing this at 11:43pm, craving sleep so bad, but still sitting up in bed holding Jude against my chest in the hope that he will sleep deep enough so I can put him down on the bed without waking him. Just about 20 minutes ago, he threw up like the Merlion (again) while I tried to nurse him to sleep in bed. I feel like a failure every time this happens. Why can’t I stop him before he throws up? Why can’t I soothe him any other way besides nursing? Why do I have a fast letdown that causes him to gulp down too much milk too fast? Why do I suck at this bf (insert expletive) so bad? And then, this smile. He flashes me this exact smile after throwing up. No fussing, no crying. It’s like “Ah Mama thanks for over-feeding me till I threw up, now I feel better!” So, if you are in a similar situation, with a 11-week old baby who is breastfed and needs to nurse every 2 hours, and on top of that needs to comfort nurse in between, and on top of that you have a fast letdown and possible oversupply (I overdid the breastmilk boost), know that you are not alone. Here are some things I’ve learnt on my bf journey so far that is totally in contrast to what the internet told me: 1) You CAN overfeed a breastfed baby. Because that’s what’s happening to me and Jude. He vomits or spits up a lot at least once a day, but he’s delivering good diaper output and putting on weight. 2) Some websites claim you never have to unlatch a baby; babies will know when they are full and unlatch themselves. Not true. Jude will nurse and nurse all day if I let him, or until he throws up like the Merlion. And no, it’s not a growth spurt. Because it’s every. single. day. 3) Some websites also claim that by 2 months, babies can sleep “through the night” or “in stretches of 4-6 hours”. They also claim that around the same time babies can go longer in between nursing. Not true. Because Jude is at 11 weeks and he still nurses every 2 hours, 3 at best, sometimes hourly. Even in the night. Ok I shall now try to put Jude down in bed. Wish me luck. #breastfeedingjourney