<愛上情感缺乏的人>

情感缺乏者是Emotionally Unavailable——明明會談戀愛，卻無法維持正常合理的情感關係；你明明和他交往中，好像對他的生活很熟悉，他卻總是給人一種捉不緊的感覺，不知道他真實的想法。謎一樣的人，卻讓人更加着迷。

他的話題永遠圍繞着他自己，問他最簡單的問題如「愛不愛我？」他永遠迴避；偶然表面上他會關心你，問你的意見，但從沒有一件事是單純為了你喜歡而做的；也鮮少跟你討論未來，即使只是下周的事也沒法肯定，決定了一起做的事，最後一秒他都會改變計劃。

每次跟別人說他是你男朋友，連你自己都覺得不太對，哪有男朋友是如此難以掌握的？但因為他沒有主動離開你，你相信他不可能對你沒感情。

情感缺乏者最常中的句式是︰我們這樣開心就夠了；我就是這樣的了；到時再說吧！

因為所有事情都是你做主動的一方，你不傳信息他可以完全失聯，你不約他可以不見……一旦你習慣了這個模式，便會把情感的冷熱歸咎於自己，對方根本從未為關係努力。

最糟的是你接受了他做自己無罪，為了讓他繼續做自己，你不惜改變自己，失去自尊與自我。

#晴報 #專欄 #逢週二

【完整專欄文章】
https://skypost.ulifestyle.com.hk/article/2786292/

【更多小說、散文請加入Patreon】
https://www.patreon.com/sirenacheng

【孩子的心理平安】

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

I laughed as I read this quote by Franklin Jones.

Without fail, almost every lesson, this 7-year-old boy would gamely walk up to me and bellow, "老師，我好喜歡你啊！" (Teacher, I like you so much!)

He was rather tall and big for his age. Last week, he gave me a bear hug out of the blue, nearly knocking me over like a bowling pin.

To encourage him to speak more Mandarin, I engaged him in a conversation and asked, "你爲什麼那麽喜歡李老師？" (Why do you like me so much?)

He chirped excitedly with his toothy grin, "因爲你很漂亮！" (Because you are very pretty!)

I don't know whether to cry or to laugh.

.

This Facebook comment from Madam Teo struck a chord with me:

"我們用很長很長很長的時間把自己或孩子「弄壞」，然後期待以非常簡潔廉價的方式拿回那已經長茧的健康心理。"

We used a very very very long period of time to damage ourselves or our children. Then we look forward to reclaim that once healthy mindset, which is now infested with worms, with very cheap, easy and clean methods.

It is extremely hard to be a parent, much less a capable one.

Sometimes, there is nothing more ego tripping than trying to be a good parent.

Recently, I got hold of this book and the foreword written by a magazine editor, who is a working mum of two, was particularly insightful, and somewhat poignant.

She wrote:

從孩子一出生開始，我們爲人父母者的腦子裡就會出現兩個字：教育。我們希望通過「教育」讓孩子知書達理、令行禁止、敏而好學、從善如流。我們希望通過「教育」來塑造我們和孩子之間良好的關係⋯⋯祇是，「教育」二字帶來的強大使命感和緊迫感讓我們忽略了這樣的事實：我們與孩子之間先有關係，後有教育，我們首先是一個生命與另一個生命的親密組合，其次才是一個生命幫助另一個生命成爲更好的自己（且不論究竟是誰幫誰）。

From the beginning of a child's birth, the word that appears in the brains of us parents would be "education".

We hope that through "education", our children will be highly cultured and steeped in propriety, obey orders, smart and fond of studying, and follow good advice readily.

We wish that through "education", we build good relations with our children.

Thing is, the strong sense of mission and urgency, drummed by the word "education", often causes us to neglect this fact: We first have a relationship with our children, before education comes in.

We and our children, are essentially an intimate combination of one life with another life.

Secondly, it is then about one life helping another life to become a better version of himself/herself. (Let's not talk about who is actually helping who.)

.

These got me thinking about my work and my clients.

How some of them would move homes to be near the desired schools for their offspring.

How they send their kids to many many enrichment classes.

How they work very hard (some become SAHMs) to have better abilities to groom and nurture their children for their future.

They share the same aspiration as the magazine editor. It is no secret that most Singaporean parents take education very seriously. Instead of the phrase Tiger Mum, in Singapore, we call ourselves Lion Mums. #MajulahSingapura *mane flick*

When a male client came back seeking my Feng Shui service, I asked him why. I asked every client why by the way. It is my method of understanding my appeal to my market.

He told me he got favourable results since our Bazi consultation. His little girl getting into the school of their first choice was one reason.

It was a casual mention then when he told me about the school application. Through him, I learnt about the stress parents go through to get their children enrolled in the right schools. Out of empathy, I asked for his daughter's birth details and did a quick calculation to see if their preferred school was a good choice for her Bazi. Just because the parents like a particular school, does not mean the child will really benefit and be happy studying there.

Jackpot, it was great for the little girl. I gave my client some tips to secure the coveted spot in that school. It was a little extra bonus I gave him beyond the usual Bazi consultation. He had been mildly supportive of my work and remained polite, when I pointed out his areas to improve in our interactions.

.

More than once, clients have asked me if they can move homes to be near a particular school, for the sake of their children.

My answer is:

Always consider your marriage and livelihood first.

The energies in our living environment can either nurture us or break us. Not all houses are made equal.

If you are in a bad luck cycle, pretty sure you would know it without a fortune teller telling you, chances are you would be attracted to a house of poor Feng Shui. For without the intervention of a Feng Shui practitioner, the state of our Bazi determines the kind of Feng Shui we will naturally get.

The husband is considered the master of the house. While grooming our children is essential, you shouldn't compromise on the husband's career by moving into a house of lousy Feng Shui, just so that the child can register into your dream school.

Money woes, stagnant growth and loss of direction/drive in life can nail a stake into an otherwise happy family.

Last I know, broken families and highly strung parents are never recommended ingredients for happy and emotionally secure children.

The more family members there are, the more delicate my job is. To ensure every family member gets to benefit from great Feng Shui, within the constraints of a house, is always the most challenging part of my job.

.

Parents are the first and most intimate teachers of a child.

If a child does not have good role models to look up to at home, sending them to good schools will not have the desired impact as you crave.

Why?

Your DNA runs in the blood cells of your child. Say if you are a lazy person, who has a strong sense of entitlement, it is very likely your child's character will mirror yours. No matter what school he or she is in.

Because a child spends more time at home, with the family, than with his or her teachers.

Parenting is made even more challenging, if the father or mother lacks certain mental nourishment in his or her growing up years and is unable to repair and replenish himself or herself during the adulthood.

The deficient parent would not know how to give those nutrients to his or her child. And a vicious cycle ensues.

At different ages, a child will need different mental nutrition from the parents. These critical nutrients will form the backbone of the child's attitude in life, towards his or her education, marriage, career, lifestyle, family relations, friendships, money management, virtues and morals, ability to endure hardships, solve problems and pick up knowledge.

These mental nutrients are to be adequately given to the child before the age of 7.

One example of a mental nutrient the author raised in her book is the child's sense of importance.

Every child desires to feel valued by the parents. Especially between 0-3 years old. If the parents are emotionally unavailable and does not show to the child that he or she is very important to them, the child will instinctively seek this nutrient from another replacement adult.

Could be the grandparents or school teachers.

If he or she never manage to find this sense of being highly valued, he or she will spend his whole life looking for it.

They may fall in love with someone while still in secondary school, hoping that their partner will see them as the most important person in their lives.

As they get older, they will pester their partner with questions like:

• Am I the most important person in your life?
• How important am I?
• If I am a very terrible person, have a very bad character, will you still love me?

...

A quest like this consumes a lot of life energies for both persons in such a relationship. The child may over compromise on himself or herself in a relationship, just to be (the illusion of being) wanted and loved.

Over the past 11 years, I've worked with enough children and adults to see the truth in this author's comprehensive analysis.

.

When I do story telling to children, I tend to omit violence. For e.g. if the bad guy is caught and killed, I may modify the plot by saying that he is caught and thrown into prison.

I don't want the children to think that killing another person solves everything. There are already young boys, who go around the class shooting finger guns at their classmates and teachers, and calling it "fun".

While a good school makes a lot of difference, I also think attending religious classes is valuable for young children.

A child who only attends classes for self development will not learn enough to have the motivation to help others. Because those classes focus on his personal success, how to win the race, and not how he can help and love beyond his family and friends. Much less about how to break free from the endless wheel of reincarnation.

Some parents will tell me, they don't want to force their children into a religion at such a young age.

The dramatic irony when they "force" their child to go for tutition after tuition.

Sending your child to Buddhism lessons or Sunday school does not equate to coercing the child into a religion.

Religious classes build deep mental strength at a very different dimension from secular classes.

It teaches gratitude, altruism, compassion, karma, humility, filial piety, repentance (being able to admit you're wrong), precepts (do the right thing) and internal peace.

It shows the child the beauty of forgiveness and forbearance.

Religion also nourishes the child's soul by letting him or her know how important he or she is in the eyes of God, Buddha etc.

The child learns to make sense of the world he is living in and the purpose of his existence.

Jesus was betrayed, tortured and died on the cross. He spreaded the Gospel for only 12 short years. Buddha's blood-related disciple, Devadatta, plotted to kill Him with a drunk elephant but failed. He spoke poison of Buddha and eventually left Buddha, taking away with him 500 monks.

These are all extraordinary men who endured incredible hardships for Their cause. They, as with many great prophets, are the superheroes of Their time.

Thousands of years later, They withstood the test of time and are still highly revered all over the world.

Are Their stories not worth reading to our children? Is there nothing our children can learn from Them, to cope with the stress they will face?

Children don't tell us parents everything. By establishing this spiritual channel of communication, we cross our fingers (and toes) that our precious ones will not go leaping off from their room's window when things are rocky for them and they feel invalidated.

You should still allow the child to choose his or her own faith when they grow up. At least by then, you have built a (hopefully) good foundation of love, strength and empathy in your child when you had the chance to.

.

Proactive parents come to me to get their children's Bazi analysed, because they want to understand their children better and propel them in the right direction of growth.

They wish that their children can live a life more fulfilling than theirs, without having to fall too much.

If religion and Chinese Metaphysics aren't your cup of Teh Tarik, then I highly recommend this book that I am reading.

It is an equally good book for a "malnourished" adult to understand himself or herself.

I couldn't find it in Singapore bookstores, so the Husband bought my copy from an online Malaysia bookstore.

There are many Q&As in this book for parents with real-life problems in managing their children. The author gave very sensible and feasible recommendations. These were complied from the author's monthly column in the magazine and her 10,000+ strong real-life case studies.

Most people don't get to unleash their life potential this lifetime, because they lack the mentors and the mental nourishment to realise the powers of their Bazi.

Some of them blame their parents. But there is only so long you can blame them. How long more do you want to put your happiness in the hands of your parents? For the next 60 years? Perhaps like you, they didn't have parents who are adept at giving them the mental nourishment.

I don't think it matters whether you repair yourself when you are an adult or you, as a parent, only realise now what you have been doing wrong.

As long as we are willing to change and improve, we can always make up for lost time.

Better late than never.

...

《心理营养》

林文采 / 伍娜 / Shanghai Academy of Social Science Press / 288页 / Hardcover / 2016-3-1

心理营养的内容简介：

正如身体的健康需要物质营养，孩子心灵的成长与心理力量的强大必须获取足够的心理营养。

在成长的不同阶段，给足孩子恰当的心理营养，也就给了他一生幸福的底层代码。

本书中，作者阐述了“心理营养”的理念，同时介绍了气质理论在亲子教育中的应用。结合“心理营养”的理念和气质理论，作者从12个方面全方位回答了父母育儿中的常见问题。

五大心理营养：无条件的接纳；此时此刻，我生命中你最重要；安全感；肯定、赞美、认同；学习、认知、模范。

生命中的“五朵金花”：爱的能力；独立自主；联结；价值感；安全感。

12个方面的问题：
安全感 •情绪管理 •性格难题 •行为偏差 •社交与社会化 •夫妻关系 •妈妈的自我成长和支持 •父亲养育 •隔代养育 •性教育 •疑难表现 •其他生活琐事

假如我沒有男朋友 (邀稿)

「也許，人始終要在各種經歷各段關係裏成長，才能知道自己想要一段怎樣的關係，一個怎樣的對象，一種怎麼的愛情。」

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不經不覺，長途旅行已經結束了數個月。回到香港生活的日子，終於可以好好參加各方友人的聚會。

說真的，大學畢業了十個年頭，跟同窗聚舊的次數卻是屈指可數。當年一畢業便離港工作，首先是新加坡，然後是中東，後來總算回來香港工作了，卻跑到了西貢帶camp。友人都是正常的打工仔，聚舊re-u總是在晚上週末紅日，別人放假我卻要上班，跟友人的聯繫最終只剩下網上有限的交流。

近月來參加一次又一次的舊同學聚會，與那些年的同學多年不見，卻未減大家的情誼。「好耐無見啦！」「你終於蒲頭啦？」是大家看見我的第一個反應，然後是滔滔不絕的互相報告近況。每段對話中一定不能不提及的，必定是大家的感情生活。畢業了十個年頭，大家的年齡都三十有幾了，不過，就算年紀相若，大家的感情生活卻可以是兩種極端，有些已經組織幸福家庭做了爸爸媽媽了；有些，卻仍然是單身一個。

環顧身邊的朋友，原來我認識的單身友人也不少，男的有女的也有。為甚麼還沒有伴侶？這個問題，我真的很好奇很想知道大家的真正答案。是因為喜歡單身？是因為找不到對象？還是因為曾經受過傷害已對親密關係失去信心？可惜這些單身友人當中，大部份和我都只是普通朋友關係，還沒有熟落得能讓我直接詢問他們來滿足我的好奇心。

說真的，我覺得人始終是需要有個伴侶的，這個伴侶扮演著Soulmate的角色，生命中大大小小的事情，開心的不開心的，重要的不重要的，正經的不正經的，時時刻刻都願意在自己身旁分享這些事情。因為，再好的知己朋友怎麼說也是不能取代伴侶在生命中的位置的。

回顧自己的拍拖經歷，其實是有點一塌胡塗的。也許，從前總是不懂得男女相處之道，除了只懂得以貌取人，另一個原因，就是以前自己的脾氣真的很差，動不動就黑面發牌氣。我常常以為，懂我的都應該事事遷就我，不用我解釋也應該懂得我心意。結果，當然是沒有一段關係是長久的，也沒有一段關係是穩固的。也許，人始終要在各種經歷各段關係裏成長，才能知道自己想要一段怎樣的關係，一個怎樣的對象，一種怎麼的愛情。

真的，當自己身心都準備好了，也是時候認認真真去尋找那個Right Person，若果身處的圈子造就不了這件事情，那去一些對的地方也是一種可行的方法吧？

還記得數年前還是單身的時候，友人就真心建議我去試試Table for Six或Speed Dating。因為若果只在自己圈子裏找，就算身邊也有單身人士，但又怎麼知道這些人到底是真的Single and Available，還是Single but Unavailable呢？參加這些聯誼活動，第一個好處就是他們幫忙screen出一大班SAA的人，在這些場合，起碼可以肯定大家都是想找伴侶的，是right timing的。

不過，這些聯誼活動讓大家在輕鬆的情況下互相認識，但這個優點也同樣是它的缺點。人那麼多，時間卻那麼少，要做到深入認識已經很難了，更別說要找到真命天子了！現實是殘酷的，人是貪心挑剔的動物，當大家面前都充滿選擇時，你選人時人選你，最終大家便浪費時間在猶疑不決、兩頭不到岸的局面了。

無意中知道了eSynchrony這家約會配對公司，它的可取之處，是彌補了以上所說的不足，不但滿足了Timing的因素，也滿足了Right Person的因素。

參加者首先要在網詀完成30分鐘的性格測驗，內容包括價值觀、家庭背景、職業、擇偶要求等，越詳盡的問卷，越代表系統有充足的資料幫助參加者找尋適合的對象。參加者還需要提供各種身份證明文件核實身份，大大提升配對的安全性。系統會幫參加者計算一個match score在match list顯示，當顯示的異性分數越高，代表和自己的性格越接近。最後必須雙方同意才會交換照片，私隱度極高，當大家都有意思見面，顧問才會安排單對單約會。

人生中充滿各種各樣選擇，親情友情愛情工作金錢旅行，每個人的timing和priority都不一樣。若果這一刻的timing裏，priority正正是愛情，那麼自己也是時候要踏出那一步了！「千里之行，始於足下。」跳碼頭是，去旅行是，找伴侶是，做任何事情也是。我的生命裏每個層面都會用上這句座佑銘，我不知道這算不算成功，但起碼我活得無悔，活得快樂。

eSynchrony網站︰www.esynchrony.com.hk