架空メイド ・わたしはわたしを愛せなかったことを後悔してきたんだな。ずっと。 ・わたしが、美しい仮面のために頭痛や酸欠に耐えていようと、化粧でデコレーションしただけのわが醜い顔で自由に息をしていようと、変わらずに今日も一緒に写真を撮りたいと言ってくれる人がいる。 衝撃的なことだった。 美しい仮面だけが愛を引き受ける資格を持っているのであって、その向こう側の命など必ず忌まわしいはずだ。数少ない罵声を根拠にしてすべてを頑なに決めつけてきたのは、むしろわたしのほうだったんだろう。気付いてすらいなかった。 ごめん。これほどまでの愛を、いままで信じることができなくて。 ・はだかのわたしを認めてほしいなどとは望んでいない。嫌です。 やはり、好きな服を着て、好きな化粧をしたわたしこそが、ありのままのわたしなのだ。 しかし、 どうやらわたしは、美しいとか愛おしいみたいなことの要件に、わたしが消えていなくなることが絶対に含まれているはずだと、がむしゃらに信じてきたらしい。 それは間違っている。今は、そう確信できる。 . ・I've been regretting that I couldn't love myself. Always. ・Even if I have to endure headaches and acid reflux for the sake of my beautiful mask, even if I breathe easy with just makeup on my ugly face. Someone wants to take a picture with me. I was surprised. Only a beautiful mask is qualified to take on love, and my life on the other side of it must surely be abominable. I guess I was the one who had stubbornly decided everything on the basis of a few curses. I didn't even realize it. I'm sorry. I couldn't believe in such a great love until now. ・There are some things I don't want to be misunderstood. Please don't love me naked. After all, the me that wears the clothes and makeup that I like is the me that I am. But apparently I believe that my absence must be absolutely included in the conditions of beauty and loveliness. That's wrong. I think so now. . 追記 ・私の心のコンカフェにおけるコンセプトは"女子高"です（女の子たちが、人間としてのみならず、時にはけものとしてさえも、望むタイミングで望む自分を生きることができる、閉ざされた花園）

I sprained my back today. Ok the truth is out, today is my ACTUAL BIRTHDAY but i take every wishes genuinely to heart (I had to do something on the weekend cause it’s on a Tuesday who gives a shit on weekdays you know). Happy to say I managed to keep myself alive for another year to receive that free drink coupon on that Starbucks app, coudos to James! 2020 to 2021 has been a rollercoaster of transition, I’m happy to be surrounded by people I love and still able to love people wholeheartedly. I’m really proud of myself for keeping the promise I made last year : To not give out fake compliments and always actually smile when I text “HAHAHAH”. Heart burn, acid reflux and perpetual back pain here I come.

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