【我親愛的Zoom視訊客人們】
To My Dear Zoom Clients

我忍了真的⋯⋯真的⋯⋯很久，今天過後實在忍無可忍，一定要叮嚀所有過去和未來的客人們。

我年紀很大了，受不了太大的刺激。

拜託，你們可以Zoom好來嗎？😓😑

一、Zoom視訊的視角 = 拍護照照的視角

護照自2020年起就已成為古董，但大家這一生應該有拍過證件照吧！

對了，就是要頭髮整齊，讓我看到你的雙耳、雙眼、鼻子、嘴巴、頸項和肩膀，到胸部。

我批八字時，需要看整個面相。不要讓你一半的臉掉出鏡頭外，這樣很像鍾無艷，也不要嘴巴不見掉，這樣我很像在跟一條羅漢魚視訊。

我看面相包括看你的嘴巴、牙齒和說話時的嘴形。是的，看相就是需要那麼仔細。

如果你的螢幕太低，那就找書本或舊報紙，把螢幕墊高一點。別讓我整一個小時半只看到你的雙下巴，會把你的面相比例給看錯。

不要一直告訴我不好意思，方法是人想出來的。

•

二、光線

太暗，我看你如見鬼。
太亮，我會看不清你的膚色。
拉開窗簾，不要背向陽光。
有必要的話，就直接開燈！

•

三、勿放什麼椰樹沙灘/金門大橋的虛擬背景圖

什麼虛擬背景圖都不要放啦～

我的家美最重要，我不在乎你的家美不美，我只是來看命的。

如果你的Wi-Fi不是很強，電腦功能不是很厲害，這類的虛擬背景圖會讓你的視訊畫面卡卡的。

有時你轉個身，整個右邊不見了，或部份的頭髮少了，讓我覺得我好像在看恐怖片，嚇人啊～

•

四、環境和聲音

有些海外客人其實非常用心。為了與我視訊，特別去買有麥克風的耳機🎧，讓我能更清楚的聽到他們的聲音。😍

沒有使用耳機和麥克風的客人，往往他們的聲音會有種空氣般的回音，如果他們本身講話又小聲，我的耳機聲量開滿，我還是聽得滿辛苦的

也有香港和馬來西亞客人租過會議室、鐘點房間或單人工作室，就是為了不受家人的干擾，能安心的與我視訊。😍

最有趣的是，去年新加坡阻斷措施時，有位男客人跑到屋外的走廊坐在地上與我視訊。只是外頭風聲有點大，我好幾次都聽不清楚他的聲音。

曾有客人在咖啡廳與我視訊。咖啡廳裡的高談闊論聲和器皿的敲擊聲，頻頻從我的耳機闖進我的耳朵，哇～我的耳朵那時真的是活受罪，還要裝一副氣定神閒的樣子。

天啊，兩次過後，我寧願退錢，也不再見這樣的客人了。耳朵只有一對，我要保護好啊！

在這裡聲明：一般我們買手機時的那種有麥克風的耳機，就已能視訊。沒有戴耳機和麥克風的客人，我一概會拒絕諮詢，把費用原銀奉還。

五、孩子

曾試過諮詢的前20分鐘，一直被女客人的小孩打擾，進來哭著要媽媽主持公道。

如果你家中有六歲以下的兒童，會時不時來敲你的門，我建議你還是先別約我。你這樣會分心，無法聽好我交代的事，而我也得一直等你去安撫你的孩子，就無法在限定時間內看完你的八字，這樣對誰都不公平。

六、我只見客人一人

這個規矩，從我一出道就定下來，也清楚的寫在網站上，根本不用一而再的來試探水溫。

但這兩個星期，還是有客人硬闖關，事先安排自己的配偶/孩子坐在電腦的另一面，要他們聽我講他的八字。

我從不改我的規矩，也沒有八字或風水是我非看不可的。

讀書這麼高，連自己的命都不能自己負責，這已經不是能改到命的人了。

你一定要你的配偶陪你聽，那你需要的不是我來教你改命，是你的配偶來安你的心。

將來若還有這樣的事，我會直接中斷視訊，把錢退回去。

七、「我第一次用Zoom！」

可是從報名那天到今天的諮詢，你有兩個月的時間去摸索。

兩個月，怎麼還是錯誤百出？因為客人根本沒有事先準備和練習。

結果我就這樣等了20分鐘，還得等對方下載軟件。

Zoom不難使用，但如果是你沒有花時間去摸索，就不要撒謊，直接說，我就直接退現錢。

品德是改命的資糧，不要為了自己能脫身就隨便編一個漏洞百出的謊，還說自己是好人。這...不會臉皮太厚了嗎？

小事都不願做好，絕對不會成大器。

八、暈車

有些客人用Ipad或手機來視訊。

重點是，他一支手拿著手機，一支手拿筆寫筆記。他一邊寫，另一支手就一邊搖晃。他做在床上，移動一下，手機就彷彿大海嘯幾下🌊

我一天如果見三個這樣客人，我的視線就搖晃了5個小時。工作完畢後，頭也會痛得厲害，無法完成晚上製片的工作。

沒有自拍器三腳架，也應該有些書本或東西來頂著手機。

各位，多點善心，為我著想一下吧⋯⋯

__________________________

To My Dear Zoom Clients

I have been enduring it for a really really long time. That's it! I am gonna put a stop to this after today and send out this reminder to all my past and future clients.

I am getting on in years, and cannot stand too much stimulation.

Please.... can you guys do a proper Zoom?

Number 1: Going on screen in Zoom = Taking a photograph for your passport.

Since 2020, the passport has become something of an antique but I believe everyone has taken some kind of ID photos! Yes, the ones with your neatly combed trusses where I can see both your ears, nose, mouth, neck, shoulder all the way to your chest.

I would like to see your full face during the Bazi Consultation. Please don't allow half your face to fall off the screen and you end up looking like Zhong Wu Yan! Please also don't hide your mouth making me feel like I am talking to a Arrowana.

When I analyze your facial features, it includes your mouth, teeth and the shape of your mouth while you are talking. Yes, it is down to such level of details.

If your PC / Laptop monitor is too low, please find a book or old newspapers and stack it on top. Please don't let me only see your double chin for that 1.5 hours, as I would probably get the proportion of your face wrong.

Don't keep telling me you are apologetic. Think of a way out.

Number 2: The background lighting.

Too dark, you risk looking like a ghost.

Too bright, I cannot figure out your skin color.

Draw open the curtains, but don't face your back to the sunlight.

If necessary, just turn on the lights!

Number 3: Background images of coconut trees on sandy beaches or the Golden Gate Bridge.

There is no need to put on a virtual background. I only care about how my hone looks, I am not bothered by yours. I am only here to see your Bazi.

If your WIFI signal or your PC / Laptop performance is poor, using the virtual background can often make your Zoom video choppy. Sometimes when you turn your body, one side of your body or some part of your hair will disappear. It's really like one of those spooky movies scaring the wits out of me.

•

Number 4: Background environment and noise.

Some of my overseas clients really put in effort for our Zoom sessions. They bought a headset with a mic so that I can hear them properly and vice versa.

Those that did not use a earphone or a headset often sounded echo-ish, and if they spoke softly, I would have to turn on the volume on my side full throttle and still have a hard time trying to hear them.

There are some clients from Hong Kong and Malaysia who would rent meeting rooms, hotel rooms or private work spaces by the hour so as to reduce any disturbance from others and better focus on the Zoom session with me.

I recalled an interesting incident during the Circuit Breaker last year. A client from Singapore Zoom-ed with me along the corridor outside his house. Most of the time, I was hearing the howling of the winds rather than his voice.

Some clients sat themselves in coffee places for our session. These places are often filled with loud chatters and the clanging of cups and plates, and my ears suffered terribly. Yet, I have to continue to be seen as composed and attentive.

Goodness me, after 2 of such experiences, I decided that I rather refund these clients and never see them again. I have only 1 pair of ears and I want to protect them at all costs!

A normal earpiece that comes with the purchase of a handphone is good enough for Zoom video calls. For clients who do not have a earpiece/headset and a mic, I would end the consultation and refund the monies.

•

Number 5: Children

There was once where a session with a female client was repeatedly disrupted by her kids, running in crying for their mother to settle their quarrels. If you have children below 6 years of age, and likely to interrupt our session, I suggest you don't book a consultation with me.

You will be distracted, unable to focus on my advice and I have to wait for you to clear up the situation with your children, eating into the allowable time for me to complete the consultation. This is unfair to both you and me.

•

Number 6: I only meet one person, that is the Client.

I have set this requirement the day I stepped into this line of work, and it is clearly written in my booking form. There is no need to try your luck under any circumstances.

But in the space of 2 weeks, there were some clients who rode their luck and got their spouse / child to sit on the other side of the screen to listen in on our consultation.

I never change my stance, and there is no single client that I cannot afford to lose.

If you insist to have your spouse sit in, it is apparent that you do not need me to help transform your destiny. Rather you really need your spouse to put your heart at ease.

If such things happen the next time, I will end the session immediately and refund the fees.

•

Number 7: "My first time using Zoom"

But you have 2 full months to prepare before our actual consultation. You did not end up wasting time exploring the software and I wasted 20 mins waiting for you to download the software.

Zoom is an easy software to use but if you did not spend the time to familiarize yourself with it, please quit the lies and tell me directly. I will refund the consultation fees on the spot.

Our moral ethics serve as the foundation for our transformation. Stop weaving web of lies to get out of sticky situations, and still claim that you are a good person. Isn't this too thick-skinned?

•

Number 8: Giddy spells

Some clients use Ipad or their handphones for the Zoom session. Crucially, they hold the device with one hand, and take notes with the other. As they write, the other hand holding the phone becomes shaky. If he is doing that on his bed, his handphone would shake like a tsunami wave every time he changes his position.

If I see 3 such clients within a day, it would be 5 hours of shaking visuals for me. That would mean a splitting headache at the end of my work day, and not being able to work on my videos at night.

Even if you don't have a tripod stand, at least prop up the device with a book or something.

Please everyone, please be kind and have mercy on me......

【謝謝你，但我的命我自己來】(English writing below)

「你明明很早就可以被男人養，為什麼不要？」

「每個人都應該爲自己的人生長本事。我想做的，是出於污泥而不染的大蓮花，沒想做溫室裡的小花。」

我家族裡的女性，幾乎清一色都是女兒當自強。我姑婆78歲，一個人住，沒嫁人沒孩子。外公娶妻時，就帶著年幼的她一起住。外公過世二十多年，外婆（也就是她的大嫂）還在世時，姑婆到了六十幾歲，都還給我外婆一些家用。

她不過是個打雜工的婦女。給外婆的家用，全靠自己努力工作賺取的。

姑婆沒讀過什麼書，而我是一個大學生，怎麼可以遜色於姑婆呢？

小時候，因為家裡欠債累累，三天兩頭就有債主「奪命追魂」的打家裡電話或「登門造訪」追債，而我一個小女孩，就經常被推出去應付這些凶神惡煞的陌生大人。理由是，他們看到小孩，口氣會軟化些，可以再拖延幾天。

當時我真的很怕，但，不出去，就會被罵被打。長那麽大了，有時會莫名其妙的害怕，幸得佛法的熏陶，以那種前面有虎，後面有熊的恐懼感，磨練出我內在『破釜沈舟』的堅韌精神。

要就不做，要做，我就絕不手軟。這樣才有意思。

這種被「嚇大」的童年，讓我很小便許下承諾，以後絕不讓任何人或東西威脅到我。

我知道很多女人都有想在家不做工的夢想。我的八字也確實有這種命，三十歲過後可以不做工，靠男人養。

但像我這般出色的人才，如果不出來貢獻於人類，而選擇那條路，豈不是太對不起祖宗十八代的強大基因，和師尊師父的教誨嗎？

出道以來，我的玄學功夫幫了不少人，我的文章也引不少很多人深思長智慧。

我這十多年練出來的功夫，去哪裡都吃得開。現在的環境風水越來越差，人的問題只會越來越多，只要有真功夫，我的行業只會越老越吃香。師父常開玩笑說，以後老了，如果沒生意，還可以到四馬路觀音廟前擺攤問事，過過日子。😄

萬一還有來世，我的潛意識起碼還會帶著這種不屈不饒的精神投胎。

如果一心想靠一個男人上位，沒有自己獨立的能力，他變心了，我怎麼辦？

以前母親也有很多男人想包她，但她也為了我們這些孩子，而一一拒絕。靠自己的本事，也把我拉到這麼大。

我媽還說，一個男人如果不要給妳名份，就別浪老娘的青春。

大人的身教，永遠都勝過於言教。

大人有怎樣的命運，孩子也必有類似的命運。

我，不想苟且偷生。現在我想賺錢，就賺錢，想寫文章和大家聊天，就寫文章，又可以繼續進修玄學，學佛修法，開發自己的佛慧。

這對我來說，是自己奮鬥很多年而得到的自由。我想要我孩子學的，就是這樣的精神。

錢，花自己心安理得賺來的，最過癮。如果是不道德不合法交易換來的錢，花的人，無論是我還是我家人，都得負上因果。

我這文章不是在貶低選擇被男人養的女性。每個人的初發心不一樣。我祇是想喚醒妳們走回原本清靜無瑕的尊貴人生。我的女客人當中，選擇這條路的，錢雖來得快，但都沒有幸福的下場。

沒有人，會比我更在意更努力的，創造我的理想人生。

若我沒這本事，我願意虛心學習。我也很慶幸，此生有兩位很厲害的大導師。

我的命，我自己來。

如果連自己的命都改不了，我有何本事收人家的紅包，爲他人改命補運呢？

.....................

"You could have chosen to be kept by a man early in your life. Why did you not?"

"Everyone should grow abilities for their own lives. What I wish to be is a big lotus that blooms out of the slushy mud, pure and untainted. Not a little flower that is incubated in a greenhouse."

I come from a family, where almost all the women are strong and self-reliant. My 78-year-old grandaunt lives alone, never marry and has no kids. When my grandfather got married, he brought my young grandaunt to live with him. In the twenty over years he passed on, when my grandmother was still alive, grandaunt would still give a monthly allowance to my grandmother (her sister-in-law), despite being 60 over years old.

She is just a lady who works odd jobs. The monthly allowance she gave my grandmother is from her hard-earned money.

Grandaunt did not receive much of an education. I am a university graduate. How can my abilities be inferior to hers?

During my childhood, my family was laden with heavy debts. Every other day, there would be creditors incessantly calling the house phone or banging on the house door, asking for repayment. As a young girl, I often get pushed out to deal with these fierce-looking strangers. Reason being, when they saw a kid, they would often soften their tone of voice, and give a few more days for repayment.

I was frightened at that time. But if I didn't do what I was told, I would get scolded or beaten badly. Even after I grew up, there are times when I would get ridiculously afraid. I count myself lucky that the Buddhadharma has an uplifting influence on me. The terror of facing a bear in front of me, and having a tiger chasing behind gradually moulded my tenacity.

Either I don't do it, or when I do, I will burn my boats so that it's either success or nothing.

A childhood where I was constantly frightened had me promising myself this: I will never let anyone or anything threaten me.

My Bazi did indeed indicate that I can opt not to work and rely on the financial support from a man.

But for an outstanding talent like me, if I do not come out to contribute to mankind and choose an easier way out, wouldn't I be letting down the great genes of my ancestors of the past 18 generations, and the teachings from my Grandmaster and Shifu?

Ever since I started out, my work had benefitted a lot of people and my writings had helped grow the wisdom of many readers.

The skills that I hone in the past 10 over years give me freedom to earn money wherever I am. With the environmental Feng Shui worsening, the problems of mankind will only snowball and multiply. As long as I have the real skills, my line of work will only get more valuable as I age. Shifu often jokes that, if I have no business when I am old, I can still consider setting up a fortune-telling stall in front of the Guan Yin Temple at Waterloo Street, to pass time. 😄

Should I have to go through another reincarnation, at the very least, there will be this seed of unflinching courage and perseverance planted in my subconscious. Because I made the effort to.

If I opt to rely fully on a man, and have no independent ability of my own, what will happen to me when he has a change of heart?

My mum also had many offers from men, who wanted to make a mistress out of her. But for the sake of us, the children, she rejected all of them. Through her own perseverance and efforts, she still managed to raise me.

She also said if a man is unwilling to give you a legal status, don't waste your youth on him.

The adults' teaching by example will always carry more weight than what they preach.

The kind of Destiny the adults have will also be similar to the kind of Destiny their children will have.

The me right now does not have to live an ignoble existence nor live my life according to the mood of a man. When I wish to make money, I go make money. When I feel like writing to talk with all of you, I write. In my spare time, I continue honing my skills in Buddhadharma and Chinese Metaphysics, and develop my wisdom.

To me, this is the freedom that I had fought for many years. Such is the spirit that I wish for my children to learn.

Spending money is most satisfying, when this money is earned with a peace of mind. If the money is obtained through illegal/immoral ways, there will always be karmic consequences to bear, be it the spender is me or my family.

This article isn't written to look down on other women, who choose to be kept by a man. Everyone has a different motivation in life. I only wish to awaken you, to continue treading on your original pure and pristine path in life. Among my women clients, those, who chose this easy route to money, do not have a happy ending.

For me, I just think that no other person will be more bothered and diligent than me, in creating the Destiny I covet.

If I do not have the ability, I am willing to learn humbly from the right teachers, and I am very fortunate to have two great ones in my life.

I will formulate my own Destiny.

If I can't even transform my own Destiny, what right do I have to receive the red packets from others, to help them with their fortune and luck?

🇬🇧 #倫敦大丈夫 🇬🇧
這篇文章已經寫十二個單字和用法，還會持續更新，雖然進度緩慢， 也不知道最後要寫到幾個字、、、大家還是支持一下唄！

You alright?

在英國見面問好，除了How are you?還可以聽到 Your alright(=Are you all right?)，乍聽之下會想說是問你還好嗎？其實就是很普通的問候語，就跟台語的「呷飽沒？」一樣，你可以認真回答Yes, I’m fine，你也可能遇到有人不回答，因為這句話絕對不是真心要知道你到底好不好，除非是很親近的親友，不然就請把這句話當作招呼語即可。

Cheers

英國人出了名的愛講sorry，但這真的是習慣用語，有一次英國朋友不知道什麼事他沒錯他也說sorry，問他他也不知道為何他隨口脫出sorry，所以當英國人說這個字時，不要把這個字看得太重。至於謝謝，除了Thank you.他們還會說cheers，你可能聽過乾杯時他們會講cheers，日常生活這個字會常常出現，代表「謝謝」的意思。

Mate

Mate（朋友）這個字接近美式英語的dude，當你要稱呼一個不認識的人時，例如你去買東西，店員可能就跟你打招呼"You alright, mate?"，當然如果是英國老先生或老太太，稱呼年輕人時，他們就不會叫你mate，通常就會比較親密的darling（親愛的），通常較常聽到老先生稱呼較年輕女生darling或者老太太稱年輕男生darling，但完全依地區和個人習慣有所差異。

Quid

出國一定要聽得懂價格吧！美國人用buck代表美金，在英國quid就是英鎊的意思，所以當你聽到100 quids代表就是一百磅。quid的來源有好幾種說法，其中一種說法源自拉丁語"quid pro quo"一物換一物（one thing for another）的意思，以物易物的想法應該不難理解，地球原始人時代還用貝殼當錢幣呢！當然還有很多種說法就不一一贅述。*tenner=十磅、fiver=五磅

Dodgy

當你要講某件事物很怪、很可疑、有點危險、不值得信賴時，就會用這個形容詞，例如不老實的銷售員（a dodgy salesman）、不好的區域（dodgy areas），講到不好的形容詞，英國人還常用rough（粗俗的），a rough area指的就是不好區域、危險地區，我也聽過有人用rough形容人，指的就是「粗人」，但不建議大家使用。

Fussy

講一個人很難搞、龜毛、難以滿足、挑剔時，就可以用fussy這個形容詞，要說對某東西很挑惕、講究時，後面就加about某個東西，我還記得曾聽到某位英國男士要幫老婆挑禮物時，他很困惱不知道該如何挑選對方會滿意的東西，他就說了"My wife is fussy about jewellery."講的就是他老婆對於珠寶很在乎，不能隨便挑選的。再舉個例子"You’re too fussy. That’s why you can’t get a girlfriend."你太挑了才會找不到女友，是不是很實用啊！

Loo

廁所一般來說大家會想到toilet或者WC(water closet)，在英國還可以看到loo，我通常在一些比較老舊的酒吧會看到loo的指示牌，本以為就是古老用法，後來發現還是一種上層社會追求的說法，loo或lavatory是上層社會講廁所時會用的，toilet對他們而言是比較平民的說法。男廁門牌通常會寫Gents/Gentlemen/Men，女廁則寫Ladies。

Fancy

大家可能知道fancy當形容詞是花俏的意思，當動詞時，則是想要。這動詞常用在邀約的情境，例如Do you want a drink?你想要喝一杯(酒)嗎？這時把want改成fancy，聽起來就會變得很英式。你想喝杯茶嗎？Do you fancy a cuppa?英國人講一杯茶a cup of tea會講成a cuppa，算是比較老式的用法。

Reckon

你怎麼想的? (What do you think?)如果你想把這句改得英式一點，就把think改成reckon，聽起來就很不一樣，reckon有認為、覺得的意思，那我們另外再造個句，這幾天倫敦都只有零度左右，我覺得明天會下雪，你就可以說I reckon it’s going to snow tomorrow.

Can’t be bothered

這用法平常常聽到，不想被打擾去做某件事，代表不想做、懶得做、不願費力去做。I can’t be bothered to do anything.就是我什麼也不想做，還有另一種說法can’t be arsed to，arse是屁股的俗稱，所以不願抬起屁股去做某件事，這樣想像應該滿容易記的，另外有人說arsed是asked的音變，不論是哪種說法，反正記住這用法，聽得懂英國人講話更重要。

Tube

「tube水管」在倫敦有另外一個含義，就是地鐵(Underground)，因為倫敦百年地鐵隧道樣子就像水管一樣，穿梭在地底，例子：我搭地鐵去倫敦市中心。I took the Tube to central London.倫敦地鐵圖上除了地鐵站跟路線，還可以看到地面行走的Overground地上鐵、Tram輕軌、DLR(Docklands Light Railway)碼頭區輕軌、TfL Rail(Crossrail)倫敦橫貫鐵路、，可以先熟悉一下，才不會被滿滿的地鐵圖搞糊塗！

Off-license

英國街道的小超市門外，可以有看到掛招牌off-license，指的是那是間政府授權販售未開封酒的商家，因為英國要賣酒的店舖必須要有執照的，所以這類超商通常可以買到酒回家喝，有off-license就有on-license，有on-license執照通常會是餐廳或酒吧，此執照允許店家這裡可以賣開瓶的酒，而不是有包裝的酒。

🍷 記得將我的專頁設定為搶先看，才不會錯過我的分享！
🍷 Instagram: www.instagram.com/bonjour.jerry/
🍷 website: https://bonjourjerry.com/
🍷 購買書籍【巴黎大丈夫：一個旅法男子的巴黎生活X文化觀察筆記】https://goo.gl/cVGmzn