I haven't been kind to myself.  Yes, the world is a mess right now and so am I - my room, my mind, everything is a mess. It has been hard and I feel like my body has finally given up trying to keep up. I spent so much energy and time trying to survive the company, my family, and myself that I forgot to take care of myself. I break down so easily, I haven't been eating well, I'm always tired and always feel sick.  And then the other day, I found a photo of myself pre-covid. I was at my peak, living and breathing my dream — doing what I love out there in the world. And then I looked at myself in the mirror. "oh shit, what happened to me? I look like crap, I feel like crap", I told myself. And as I looked down from my own reflection in the mirror - there it was. I saw it — the damn tummy rolls (so stupid I know 😞). I spiraled so hard. I went from "it's okay, as long as I'm healthy" to "omg no, I can't gain so much weight!!! ". what if this and that.. My body and mind went right back to that 22yo Maggy. My insecurities started creeping in and my immediate response was - I NEED TO STOP EATING SO MUCH. I CAN’T LOOK LIKE THIS. I felt like a fraud not practicing what I've been preaching 😔 Crazy huh? To come so far with myself and my body only to still go back to that mindset. What the hell am I even supposed to look like? 🥲 Yeah, truth is — I still do relapse. Quite frequently during this lockdown if I'm being completely honest. The only difference now is that I can catch myself doing so. And then I just need to find clarity to regain the capacity to make better choices & seek gratitude again.   I don't know why I'm sharing this but maybe it is my way to hold myself accountable, to remind myself to be kinder, and be proud that I still showed up for myself even if I felt like the hardest thing to do. It has been more than 1.5 years of constantly living in fear, stress, long-term isolation, facing death on the daily and so so much uncertainty, it's only HUMAN to not be functioning at our peak 💔 It's so damn hard, but I'll try again. One day at a time 🤍 ————— I’m wearing @cottonon bralette + high waisted underwear from @zaloramy

Anyone has 𝒚𝒆𝒂𝒓 𝒆𝒏𝒅 𝒂𝒏𝒙𝒊𝒆𝒕𝒚? I have to admit that seeing everyone on the gram showing off how much they have achieved this year despite of the pandemic, I felt that I achieved nothing and fell into a hole of worthlessness. In fact, I started assessing critically what I have and haven’t achieved this year in November. I kept obsessing over my dreams that did not materialize this year. I was overwhelmed with guilt, sadness, uneasiness, resulting in insomnia. I was in a shitty emotional state. I spiraled down the rabbit hole thinking what was I doing with my life these years and the time just flew by so fast. I panicked. I didn’t have any wow winning in my life and I am already 34!!! Continued thinking: “Shit what should I do next year? Will it be the same? Will I live a common life for the rest of my life? How to breakthrough???” Etc... I am reaching my mid-30s and yet to have everything figured out. I thought that my life in my 30s would be easier when I just graduated. Are we supposed to still feel the same even we are 40? 60? 𝐇𝐨𝐰 𝐝𝐢𝐝 𝐈 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩 𝐦𝐲 𝐬𝐩𝐢𝐫𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫 𝐞𝐧𝐝 𝐚𝐧𝐱𝐢𝐞𝐭𝐲? 🌼 I took a step back, told myself f**k it and let it go. I stopped hustling for a while and binged on Netflix, workout and relax. Normally, I would see these non-productivity as a waste of time. But this time, I knew that I needed it and took days off just to do nothing at home. 🌼 I accepted where am I and joined the 21-day abundance challenge. I didn’t think much and did the challenge daily diligently. The journalling and short meditation helped to calm myself. 🌼 I slept as much as I can. I took leave off work at days that I was unable to get up and didn’t feel like waking up. Through the abundance challenge, I realized what I needed was rest and time for myself. 🌼 I continued to do the long relaxation meditation from Silva Method during weekends. And I also went dancing class. 🌼 Lastly, I switched my to-do-list to to-manifest-list, to prevent my mind being plagued with my never-ending to-dos. Manifesting sounds better than to do, right? I guess I have been too harsh on myself, huh?

7 HAIR CHANGES in 2020 👩🏻‍🦰 - Started with 1 thought of wanting blue hair earlier in the year and everything spiraled out of control from there 😂 - (Didn’t record the 1st hair change of the year as I wasn’t on #tiktok yet back then 😗) #transformation #hairtransformation