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遺失的快樂

Translation: @berbermnm
Photography: @teddytzeng
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有時候身體無恙久了 會忘記生病時的感受
好奇心驅使我後來生病時認真觀察 仔細品味
像位認真的實習醫師 記下每天的症狀與變化
理解你我生病的苦 學習接納生病的苦
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有時候接連幾天沮喪 會忘記快樂時的感受
明明是自己和大家認定「樂觀的人」
怎麼會忘了快樂的樣貌和來源？
怎麼會忘了做什麼事情能帶來快樂？
於是後來快樂的時候我會認真觀察 仔細品味
好在萬一遺失快樂的時候 能把祂找回
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關於找尋快樂
祂不在我吃好吃的食物的時候
而是看著親愛的人吃得津津有味的時候
祂也不是在我休假旅遊的時候
而是聽朋友開心地分享他遊歷遠方的時候
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聚餐看同桌好友聊得開心 我就跟著開心
看著貓狗松鼠跑跑跳跳 我也活力滿滿
鴿子陪著幾位長輩在公園乘涼 我也跟著輕鬆
路上 公車上的鄰人嘻笑打鬧 我也有親密歸屬感
好像能體會父母滿足於孩子的快樂的神秘連結
看人過得好 我就能微笑
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我不認為我會願意為他人而犧牲自己
更沒有聖賢對世人無條件的奉獻和愛
只是當五色五味了無新意
當本地異鄉如一無二
當我和他人成為夥伴
就會發現最純粹的生命核心
被稱為快樂的愛 一直都在
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Sometimes I forget how it is to be ill when we haven’t been suffering from any illness for a long time
It triggered me to observe and immerse in the feeling of it when I fall ill later
Understanding and accepting the hardship of being unwell
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Sometimes I forget the feeling of happiness when I am depressed for a few days
How can I forget the face and source of happiness especially when I’m regarded as an optimist by myself and everyone?
I observed and immersed in it too when I was happy again so that I can find it back when it gets lost
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When looking for lost happiness,
It’s not about me having tasty food, but looking at people I love enjoying every bite
It’s not about me travelling on holiday, but listening to friends excitedly sharing their trips
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I am joyful when friends are chatting happily
I feel energised when I see cats, dogs, even squirrels jumping around
I feel relaxed when I see doves are around elders who saunter in the park
I have the sense of belonging when people play and laugh to each other on the bus
I can almost reach the satisfied state where the mysterious link leads parents to when their kids are having a wonderful time
I smile when I see people enjoying the moment
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I don’t see myself sacrificing for other people
I certainly don’t have the unconditional love and contribution the saints have in me
When the temptations of the scenery and food in the world no longer excite me
When different countries are no longer different for me
I realised the purest core of our lives,
The love we called happiness, is always inside

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My performance for @the_bananafish opening party
Music by @arca1000000 Saunter
Outfit by @66wind99
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#bdsm #choke #suffocation #glasswindow #chained #bondage #harness #arca #perforamance #performanceart #artist #erotic #sensuality #dismorphia #dance #sex #submission #master #tank

6.🤱My Baby #1

Two weeks after my C-section, I returned to the hospital for yet another spine surgery.

After spending three weeks in the hospital, I was finally let go and be the Mother that I have longed to be. Due to the lack of balance and strength of my limbs, I couldn’t bathe Andrew or hold him while I limped on. Other than that, I did everything myself.
The first six months that I got home, my legs were improving, I could even walk, unsteadily, on my own.

Without any doubt, Andrew was the only motivation that I got out of the bed each morning.

He slept overnight when he was three months old. Each morning, I was waken up by his coos and jibbers from the monitor. I washed up and swung to his room with my cane. “Good morning, baby,” I would always say. Andrew kicked his legs and waved his arms in excitement when he heard my voice. I then, steadied my step, held him up and put him on the bed next to the crib cautiously. I changed him, cleaned him and fed him. Then it was our reading and playing time. When the weather was good, his stroller would be my walker, we strolled around our condo, and enjoyed the sunshine.
On the weekends, daddy would take us out for a meal or just to saunter in the parks or malls.

He ate and slept well; he was all smiles and cuddly; he was a healthy baby. This is a miracle come true, no, it was beyond miracle! He was an angel.

My son was my wish-come-true. He made me a mom. His smiles and coos were my boosts every waking morning. I cherished every minute, every second with him. I was bathed in the happiness of motherhood.

Until fate took another twist.

When Andrew was seven months old, I was back to the hospital again.
Andrew was once again, deserted by his mother. I monitored Andrew with cameras in the house. When he was awake, I watched helplessly; when he took a nap, I napped. As if I had an alarm clock built in me, I woke up every night, every 2 hours to check on him.

On the first night, without mommy sitting by his crib, he tossed and turned from 9pm till 1am. Nothing the nanny did could make him sleep. I finally called back home, asked the nanny to put on speaker phone. I whispered, "Andrew, Mommy is here, sleep sleep now." Then I sang the goodnight song that I made up for him. Before the song was over, he was fast asleep.
I hung up the phone.
My pillow was drenched in tears. My heart was torn to pieces.

After that, I was in and out of the hospital every two to three months. I was never fully recovered, before the next surgery. When all the tubes were pulled out, I requested to go home. My surgeon would always ask me in sincere concern, “Are you sure you are going to do this again?”

I nodded in silence, my tears dropped on my laps. He wanted to persuade me not to torture myself anymore.
“If going through all this would only give me one day standing, I will still do it!”

I was right from the start, I wouldn’t make a good mother. There were no comforting words, there was no way I could let my self go. In my shattered heart, there were too many pieces missing.

Among all the surgeons and doctors that we’ve consulted, the answer were all the same, the tumor was more stubborn than I was, and there was no way to get rid out it. It will haunt you and torment you like a nightmare. A nightmare you will never wake up from.

2015, June I was destined to my wheel chair. That was my 16th surgery.

My world was crushed all over again.

Iverson dishes 15 assists on top of 44 points in one-sided affair

Allen Iverson feels right at home just in time for the Denver Nuggets' big road trip.

Iverson scored 44 points and dished out 15 assists in leading the Nuggets to their fourth straight win, a 131-107 blowout of the Phoenix Suns on Saturday night.

Carmelo Anthony augmented Iverson's night by adding 29 points in the duo's best performance since the holiday trade that brought them together three months ago.

Now, the surging Nuggets hit the road for five straight games and eight of their next nine.

"This does a lot for our confidence," Iverson said. "To win four games in a row, you get a certain swagger about your game."

The Nuggets have quite the saunter thanks to their red-hot superstars.

Iverson made 16-of-22 shots from the field and Anthony was 13-for-20. And many of the shots were alley-oop dunks and rim-rattling jams that were the product of the Nuggets' suddenly stingy defense.

"They made every shot in the world," Suns coach Mike D'Antoni said. "They are hard to handle when Anthony and Iverson are coming at you like that. They are hard to handle on any night."

At one point, both Iverson and Anthony were 12-for-16 from the floor.

"When you're in a zone, it doesn't matter if guys are on you or anything," Iverson said. "It just feels good. It just feels like throwing rocks in an ocean."

The Suns have lost twice -- by a combined 46 points -- since their 129-127 double-overtime win at Dallas on Wednesday night. They lost to Detroit 105-83 Friday night, which D'Antoni blamed on emotional exhaustion.

"We're still feeling it," Steve Nash said. "It was a big win. We have to get back to the way we were before that game."

The Suns, who got 25 points from Leandro Barbosa, never led in this one and fell behind by 38 points entering the fourth quarter against a team that they might face in the first round of the playoffs next month.

"We didn't have any energy," Nash said. "They played with a lot of heart and energy and we weren't. So I didn't see any way we were going to get back into the game."

Anthony had 19 points by halftime and Iverson had 13 points and 10 assists at the break as the Nuggets took a 70-44 lead into the locker room. Iverson's drive to the basket made it 111-73 heading into the fourth quarter.

"That's another confidence booster for us," Anthony said. "To beat a team like that. You know one of the top teams, if not the top team. To beat a team like that is really a great deal for us. So we can take that momentum from this game and from the previous three games and take it on the road with us."

The Suns had won 24 of 28 road games and had gone 9-1 against Denver in their past 10 meetings. They trailed 37-25 after one quarter and it only got worse from there in what was easily the Nuggets' best game of the season.

The Nuggets shot 68 percent in the first half and the Suns shot just 33 percent.

"They played great," D'Antoni said. "We're in a little bit of a funk right now. Discombobulated. We have the regroup a little bit."

Denver has struggled all season to get any cohesion because of injuries, illnesses, trades and suspensions. The Nuggets have started to put it together lately, and this was the night it finally all came together for them.

Anthony drew the foul and some of the loudest cheers of the night when his third attempt at a putback resulted in the whistle, and his two free throws made it 109-73 in the waning seconds of the third quarter.

Iverson said the Nuggets knew they'd have to start quickly and play relentless defense.

"That team can blow you out and they can score in bunches," he said.

For once, it was the opposition that did both.