Last February, all velvety Feigning worry to look moody This year, feigning is unnecessary When life is peppered with anxiety When necessities have become luxury When toilet rolls are the subject of armed robbery Inexplicable insanity Distressed and angry we may be Yet we must persevere We must live long and healthy To wait and see The sinners' finale

On Co Jat/初一/ First Day of LNY ,⁣ ⁣ I’m incredibly grateful for the strength my family now has put towards healing since the past summer. In the same breath, I’ve always had felt immense heteronormative expectations of success placed on me and holidays (i.e. those days we’re ‘supposed’ to spend time with ‘family’) feel like a constant reminder that I’m never going to meet any of them. I’m never going to get a girlfriend. I haven’t mindlessly followed the conventional route of higher education or picked a major with a stable job forecast. ⁣ ⁣ I’m tired of feigning happiness and carrying around imposter syndrome under the guise of my humble nature. I’m still working on proactively taking accountability for myself. I’m still working on becoming forthcoming about my own mistakes, rather than hoping no one finds out I’m a ‘fraud’.⁣ ⁣ I’ve gotten to a point where I’ve embraced vulnerability and consistent moments of self-reflection. Both have gradually given me so much strength throughout the years. But, I’ve struggled with another step: behavior change. It’s hard as fuck lmao. It’s also rooted in trauma that requires healing. Healing isn’t easy, nor is it a pretty process. Our own harmful behaviors require the same firmness and attention as when we decide to “splurge” under the guise of self care. ⁣ ⁣ Imposter syndrome hits really hard. You grow up in a community that society says should take up the least space, none at all. It’s not just five seconds of self-doubt, but shifts sneakily in and out. I’m tired of remaining convinced that I don’t deserve the successes I have. I know I have the potential to go after new opportunities. However, deep in my heart I fear exploring potential areas of interest because I don’t believe I can bring anything meaningful to the table. It’s hard to remind myself that I am here for a reason, wherever here really is.⁣ ⁣ ⁣ I’ve never really liked the idea of New Years Resolutions because they oversimplify behavior change as “just this one thing” when in reality it actually requires unlearning and rebuilding health frameworks that will hopefully better our lives. Having support makes this a lot easier.⁣ ⁣ It isn't too late.

Feigning interest with @ashveen06 for the sake of the picture. Who did it better? 😂 #restingbitchface