二十一世紀第二個十年，台灣樂迷前仆後繼夢寐以求解答的千古之謎，第一是 stu sis 到底是誰（最近因為某支 MV 的緣故，這一題又掀起一陣波瀾）；其次，大概就是壞特到底是誰了。
　
2019 年 6 月 28 日，藉吳卓源的表現在樂壇打出名號的音樂廠牌 ChynaHouse，在 YouTube 頻道釋出了壞特的第一支單曲〈Cazzo〉。這首以義大利髒話為名的作品立刻登上 StreetVoice 的新歌週報，並被冠以 R&B 標誌新聲的期待。真正讓這個名字和 9m88 和陳嫺靜相提並論的，則是三個月後發佈的另一首歌〈睡不著〉。短短一個月，〈睡不著〉不只在發表當週就成為街聲榜單冠軍，兩個月內更在 YouTube 衝破二十萬點閱。那時，壞特僅僅不過發表了三首歌曲。
　
　
睡不著 Insomnia - ?te 壞特
https://youtu.be/vYn5imzO1PE
　
　
先聞其聲不見其人，這樣的操作在台灣歌壇不是首例。早些，有 2007 年的郭靜，藉網路上「歌聲好聽卻不露面，難道是其貌不揚的女版楊宗緯」話題帶起聲量；再近一點，2010 年剛從 S.H.E 單飛的田馥甄，第一張個人專輯也用同樣手法成功讓聽眾關注藏身團體裡那位 Hebe 的唱腔。然而，壞特的身份之謎走向與這些歌手稍有不同：直到首支單曲發表近一年後的此刻，她依然沒有公開自己的「真實身份」。就連參與濕地 Venue《2019 新条通樂園夜祭躁動》的演出，她都戴著墨鏡和草帽遮擋自己的面容。若不是髮型和身形有所區別，有網友還曾猜這個嗓音是玩饒舌的陳嫺靜閒暇之餘想唱唱英文老歌。
　
隨著日子過去，網友們漸漸明白，壞特隱藏身份並非為了短期的話題熱度，而是另有原因。
　
或許因為用字特殊，至今仍常有人叫錯她的化名。有些人喊她「懷特」，有些人以為英文表記的問號是顯示錯誤，把她寫作「te」。不過，網路上已經能找到「?te 壞特」這個名字的來由了：? 等於 why，?te 唸起來諧音 white，媒體寫這是因為壞特私下是一位醫生，white 取白袍之義。事實上這個解釋有兩個誤解：首先，壞特不是一位醫生，她是一位醫務工作者；其次，一開始她也並不只因為白袍而取了這個名字，而是因為〈Cazzo〉本來想找音樂人 YELLOW 黃宣合作。
　
「我想說，他的名字是 yellow，那我也來個顏色好了。後來才想到，這名字別人聽起來會覺得⋯⋯妳的音樂是白人音樂？好像還滿種族的。」在我面前，脫下墨鏡和帽子的壞特笑開了。我才意識到自己聽她的歌時，從沒想到她是會這樣大笑的人。
　
　
為了和別人一樣
　
她和音樂最早的聯繫，是家裡那台電子琴。液晶螢幕上可顯示動態樂譜，她沒有老師，自己跟著上頭的音符按琴鍵，光是這樣竟也練成了一首〈小步舞曲〉。
　
琴其實是爸媽為了安撫她才買的。小學時，她的好朋友是典型的市區小公主：會彈鋼琴，會吹長笛，「真的會覺得她是一個偶像，然後她跟妳當朋友欸！妳不學一點嗎？」她和爸媽吵著要買琴，偏偏她是三兄妹裡的老大。「百般拜託後才成功了，我看著電子琴上面那個示範音樂有點點在螢幕上跳，就慢慢地跟著彈，像〈卡農〉和〈小步舞曲〉……」
　
壞特談起老家，總是說：我以前住海邊。「海邊」在她的語境裡，是「市區」的相對，在城市邊陲成長的她，時常覺察自身與他者的經驗落差。「你知道，那種爸爸的同事的小孩，就會跟你講『妳最近在幹嘛？』、『我最近在上英文課』，然後你就會覺得英文課很厲害。」
　
「我又問媽媽那可不可以上英文課？跟她說英文對以後很・有・幫・助，這樣以後才可以跟別人競爭。媽媽聽了後就擠出錢給我去上英文課。那是我安親班以外第一個上的課。」
　
從 ABCD 開始學的壞特，纏著老師，什麼都問。因為，那是她第一個得來不易的補習。如今，壞特以個人名義釋出的三支作品皆是華語外語夾雜，英文歌詞的咬字除了嗓音銷魂，乾淨的腔調也讓不少聽眾猜測她有外國來歷。其實她從未在國外長住，小時候家在新竹。英文唱得那麼好，原來是因為爸爸同事的小孩。
　
　
Santé - ?te 壞特
https://youtu.be/megYQRIb5qw
　
　
為了和別人不一樣
　
和鋼琴有這樣一段淵源，壞特後來主練的卻是吉他。她說或許是創傷：某次校內表演，她自告奮勇要上台，彈那首自己看螢幕練起來的〈小步舞曲〉，結果被老師轟下台。小孩子耗費童年，在家裡一鍵一鍵跟電子琴學的曲子，對這個世界而言終究太陽春了。
　
一上高中，她頭也不回地加入了吉他社。
　
在那之後，她有過一段順遂的時光 —— 或許太順遂了。她剪了俐落的短髮，自彈自唱，走到哪都是學妹的目光。於是同一首歌她唱了三年。她的歌聲好，但在那時的升學環境裡，連她自己都把這件事當成附庸，高二高三還是專心唸書去了。
　
原本應該會這樣下去：成績不錯，進了大學，唸一唸也兩年過去；朋友不少的她，也不愁什麼系邊疏離的心境問題。沒有人知道她為什麼在大二結束之後休學。
　
「是因為開會，」她說。「在學校，學生都會聚起來開一些學生的會。你知道嘛，討論一些未來的理想。」
　
「某天開會的時候，我突然覺得，我怎麼好像都在學校裡？國中高中大學，然後我從小到大都沒有出過國，一直在台灣的教育體制下上來的一個女生。我想說天啊，我就要這樣過了，一睜開眼就要三十歲了，我的路已經很確定了。我眼睛張開，所有身邊的人都一模一樣。」
　
她忽然覺得非常非常焦慮。「那個環境下，你只要有一點點會彈吉他，有一點點會唱歌，他們就會給你無限的掌聲。然後你就會覺得，哇自己好棒喔。我那時只覺得這樣好像怪怪的。」會議結束後，她打了一通電話，給學校附近的吉他教室，說：不好意思，我想要找一個老師，我想學一個樂器。任何樂器都可以。
　
小時候為了和別人一樣，吵著要學樂器的她，這時是為了和別人不一樣而學樂器了。
　
「對方問我會什麼，我說我會一點點吉他，好，那就學吉他。」她說。
　
休學那年，為了營生，也為了摸索，她什麼都做。學烘焙、學咖啡，每天早上起床上班，她調一杯又一杯拿鐵，做很多很多個蛋糕。後來，又去節目的公司實習，做過後製，跟著出過外景、翻譯、寫腳本、找道具⋯⋯，那一年，她平均每三個月換一份工作，「因為要試過，才會覺得『噢，這個我已經試過了』，那份焦慮才比較緩解。」
　
另一邊，吉他教室裡，她也才知道自己什麼都不會。高中時會的一點吉他，專業老師看了只是搖頭。「以前那些地方大家都在唸書，沒有一群人會有一個方法，讓你變得越來越厲害。」吉他老師帶著她進台大爵士樂社，徹底清洗了她的認知，「就連抓歌這件事，都是跟著那個吉他老師進爵士樂社，才知道說哇原來有一群人在玩這個東西。如果我可以早三四年知道，我覺得……應該⋯⋯」
　
話後面沒說完，她有點惋惜的樣子。一種希望自己的人生能早點開始的表情。
　
　
我隔年一定要上台
　
吉他課上，老師第一天放〈Fly Me to the Moon〉standard ，接著開節拍器，要她視譜，她嚇死了。在社課，「坐在後面，看大家每個人都拿著一樣樂器，薩克斯風、小號，看起來很專業。jam 之前會各自練習，每個人都在那邊彈一些很厲害的東西，我在旁邊 wow，剛學吉他，什麼都不會，要唱，好像也唱不太出來。」爵士樂社課上，壞特抱著吉他，或許有點像她小時候上英文課。也是自小的那份倔強讓她沒有起身離去：「我沒有挫敗欸，就是回去上吉他課的時候會更認真。會說老師老師，拜託對我兇一點，我要練好這首，下禮拜我想要上去 jam session。我想要上去。」
　
一首標準曲有很多不同版本，有時候 Ella Fitzgerald，有時候是 Billie Holiday 唱，有時候是 Sarah Vaughan。壞特在那時才開始認識這些爵士樂的名字，Bill Evans，Pat Martino，如今也不難發現她愛法國歌手 Cyrille Aimée：今年初，她在音樂演出平台「例假日」發表的〈Just the Two of Us〉翻唱，就是 Cyrille Aimée 與吉他手 Diego Figueiredo 編曲的版本。
　
聽她如今琅琅上口的這些歌，誰想得到小時候她的爸爸愛放翁立友，媽媽愛聽陳淑樺？
　
她望著這些遙遠的名字，不知不覺找到了不同於海邊老家的聲響。
　
　
?te 壞特 - Just the Two of Us (Cover)
https://youtu.be/NCTnAfYeTYE
　
Cyrille Aimée & Diego Figueiredo - Just the Two of Us (Live)
https://youtu.be/DaJrWn8wu_k
　
　
閒暇時，她混台北的爵士酒吧。最常去 Sappho，幾乎每個禮拜都去；Blue Note 偶爾。「我記得我是休學那年的二月十四號去 Sappho 的，看到他們的 jam session，然後看到傻眼。」
　
「看完我就對自己說，我隔年二月十四號一定要上台。」
　
看到什麼，就要自己成為什麼。對自己說：我也要一樣。原來不只因 YELLOW 而起的化名，早在被聽見以前，壞特身上的許多特質都是這樣掙來的。分不清是飢餓讓她有了決心，還是決心讓她保持這份飢餓。
　
但這些種種之外，爵士圈子的文化帶給她最多的，是讓她不再被自己的優勢所盲目。「嗓音好聽，在爵士圈子其實不會太被在意，大家更注重你所呈現出來的音樂內容。你唱的樂句能讓別的歌手想要學，那才是好。妳的聲音怎麼樣，樂手之間很少去討論這種事。」
　
2017 到 2020 年這一波台灣新歌手，有樂評者以 ASMR （Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response）特徵在樂曲與唱腔中的出現，描述 9m88、陳嫺靜、壞特這一批歌手嗓音擄獲人心的質地，在於她們運用唱腔的方式包含了這類刺激顱內高潮反應的氣聲或唇齒音。但在台大和 jazz bar 打滾的壞特練功時卻從未特別被這樣提醒，反而能更專注在歌曲的其他部份。
　
一切都在隔年天時地利：在 bar 與 bar 之間，她的演出吸引到一位老闆。壞特口中這位「小小很可愛的女生」原來是那年某場演出的負責人。壞特得到第一次登上大舞台的機會，同場演出的音樂人竟有陳珊妮、舒米恩和夜貓組。
　
「每個都超大咖，我就想說是不是也該找一些厲害的人。我認識的吉他手也不多，Tower 就是我腦海浮現的人。」後來成了壞特製作人與共同創作者、曾以 Juzzy Orange 成員出道、如今主理 ChynaHouse 的陶逸群（Tower da Funkmasta），是台大爵士樂社的學長。「我就密他問可不可以跟我去表演。也不知道人家有多大咖，不知天高地厚地問了，不知天高地厚地把我的 DEMO 送過去⋯⋯」
　
那場表演合作，陶逸群婉拒了。然而，壞特的 DEMO 躺進了他的硬碟裡。直到一年多後，某日福至心靈，他點開了她的檔案，驚為天人。壞特在那個瞬間誕生了。
　
那首曲子，正是〈Cazzo〉。
　
　
Cazzo - ?te 壞特
https://youtu.be/CM-6FJlYHI4
　
　
接下來也許唱台語
　
休學一年後，壞特回到學校。與其說有了音樂以後她感到安心，不如說那一年的各種經歷，讓她有了「我試過了」的安全感。
　
Tower 與她的合作效率極高，一方面是他身為製作人的經驗，一方面也因為她的職業性質。工作時間零碎，休息時間往往只有幾小時，壞特會在這個時間用手機錄下靈感，每個月整理一次，大約幾十個樂句音檔；到錄音室，三到四個小時就要和 Tower 把一首歌拼湊起來。
　
一開始找黃宣，也代表原先曲風走向不是目前的 Lo-fi R&B。做〈Cazzo〉時壞特和 Tower 碰面，壞特帶了一把舊吉他，彈奏時不停打弦、音還不準。沒想到 Tower 一個轉念，用 Lo-fi 思維將雜訊和環境音融入錄音，就這樣成了壞特在聽眾耳中的第一印象。
　
前陣子他們受街聲「未來進行式」節目專訪，Tower 曾開玩笑，說他們每做一首新歌，就要和觀眾解釋一個新詞的意思，像音樂界的 Urban Dictionary。其實那些放在歌曲中的外語單詞，多半是從壞特生活經驗來的。英文能力優異的她，外國朋友也多，他們的俚語都成了她歌詞的細節。
　
「當然有時候也會拿起手機，找一下『how to name your lover』、『how to call your lover』，找到一長串字，然後一句一句試唱：you're my gummy bear、you're my 什麼什麼 bear，然後噢，baby cakes 可以！It works！偶爾也會用這個方法。」
　
　
Baby Cakes - ?te 壞特
https://youtu.be/CMSrmJi3dNE
　
　
預計在今年夏天發行的新專輯，暫定名為《A Bedroom of One's Own》，借用 Virginia Woolf 的《A Room of One's Own》。「從自己的房間變成自己的臥室，一方面是呼應女性主義在這個時代的命題轉變，也呼應最近像 Billie Eilish 在 bedroom 做的這種 bedroom pop，成為音樂人新的創作方式，我們想呼應這個潮流。」陶逸群說。
　
「新專輯我們希望有些不同風格，因為前面那幾首比較一致。新專輯裡，純吉他的聲音、有點 Disco 風格的。可能台語也會加進去。」壞特說。或許前面的幾首歌真的讓她給人一種不愛笑的形象，但在專輯裡她會嘗試比較高亢的音域，「即便那可能不是大家期待的我。」
　
　
為了真正的掌聲
　
這兩年，已有一批在網路累積聲量實力的新音樂人發片，專輯中不約而同都有成名焦慮的思索。然而，平均一首歌有近百萬點閱的壞特，卻沒有被這種焦慮所籠罩。因為，其實身邊幾乎沒有人知道她是她。「我會看到有同學分享壞特的歌；也收到爵士樂團的訊息說很喜歡我的聲音，想找我當 vocal，結果一看發現是以前 jam session 的老師。但說真的，我到現在都還沒有爆紅的感覺，回到工作，老師還是唸我：妳要記得看那個報告喔，明天要講給我聽噢。」
　
「有時候點開貼文，發現有四十幾個朋友按壞特讚，可能是同系的哪個學弟妹，他按妳讚，但不知道是同一個人。昨天晚上我在三四百人面前表演、今天回到現實工作，常常是這樣。」
　
落差那麼大，不會很難調適？「不會啊，我覺得還滿平衡的。一戴上口罩就沒有人認出我，那種感覺還滿好的。」
　
我想起《黑暗騎士：黎明昇起》裡 Bruce Wayne 的台詞：面具的意義在於成為一個符號，一個概念，正因為面具底下是誰都無所謂，所以這個象徵得以長存。壞特躲在壞特的名字底下，得到了一個靈活的空間，所有嘗試的危險都和自己隔了一段距離，反而成為創作者跳脫框架的籌碼。
　
但不是沒有焦慮了。她說起自己最愛的 Cyrille Aimée：「她很會 scale，然後 scale 得很好聽。有些人 scale 的時候你會覺得有點不舒服，感覺只是樂句唱得比較不一樣而已，可是 Cyrille Aimée 唱的東西你自己去吉他上對對看，除了符合 chord 之外，她還有技巧性地讓音在和弦內外變化。她是清楚的。你聽就會覺得天啊，一個歌手能做到這樣真的不簡單。」
　
「焦慮有是有的，就是要變強。有很多需要練的地方。對，要變強。」
　
她還是老樣子，看到別人做到了，自己也要做到。
　
壞特這個名字，不是自己也無所謂。就像那些年在 jam session 台上，樂手們不太在乎對方是誰，表演完之後一句：喔、不錯喔，繼續練，加油。對她而言，那或許是真正的掌聲 —— 不因為任何名字、個人史、外貌、性格和其他任何音樂以外的事物所影響、單單只靠歌曲獲得的掌聲。
　
很遺憾的，我們依舊無法告訴你壞特是誰。但對壞特的歌迷而言，這一點也不重要對吧？
　
　
女士優先 Lady First - 老莫 ILL MO X ?te 壞特
https://youtu.be/ZLFMqje5o-A
　
　
　
　
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壞特本人和 Phoeradise - Phoebe Chen Artist 好像，氣質，笑點，談吐，美學，讓我訪問時一直非常想念。採訪結束之後我和壞特談起 Phoebe，信誓旦旦說要讓兩個人認識，結果壞特拿出 Instagram 要我加，社邊（社會邊緣）如我沒有東西可以加，只好在這裡亡羊補牢地偷偷 @ 她們。我相信她們一定會一見如故，然後某天合作出一個嚇死人的東西來。雖然此刻我只能在這裡假裝她們不會看到這一段然後對著不存在的第三人稱自言自語。
　
去吧、白洞、白色的明天等著妳們。
　
　
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戴起帽子，獲得真正的掌聲 —— 專訪壞特 ?te
https://www.biosmonthly.com/article/10301
　
採訪撰稿_ 蕭詒徽
攝影_ 湯詠茹 Deer Deer Tang
場地協力_ 舒服生活 Truffles Living
責任編輯_ 李姿穎 Abby Lee
　
BIOS monthly
www.biosmonthly.com
instagram.com/bios_monthly
youtube.com/channel/UCckydP8ziXknEtPcySOlDTw
line.me/R/ti/p/@bios_monthly

【音樂分享系列 ep.5】

上禮拜我們學校邀請了無限融合樂團來與我們系進行連續兩天的音樂課程
我實在是被震撼到，通常這種講座大師班學習的量是有限的
但是這一次可是完全不同的感覺，
得到的不只是音樂上 更是對人生態度以及很多想法觀念大改
今天還是先以分享他們的音樂為主 下次再來分享學習到了什麼

他們的現場演出總是可以如此的震撼
老師們在演奏每一首歌前都會分享這首歌的故事以及自己在人生當中的經歷
在演出時真的能感同身受
還記得第一首叫做東京街頭 吉他老師拿起了陶笛與貝斯老師齊奏
瞬間融化了全場 整個教室的氛圍變得好夢幻
接著Sax一起進來了 我必須說董舜文老師真的很有魅力
一登場給人的感覺就像是大天使一樣
我以前不是很了解Sax這樂器 但是聽他演奏真是不禁令我想改行

演奏到第二首歌結束時 我其實已經快哭了
他們是一群充滿熱情充滿愛的大男孩
每一個音符每一個律動裡你都可以深深的感受到他們之間的情緒流動
真的非常深刻 我認為這是只有聽現場才能體會到的
即使他們中間只是隨便Jam兩個Chord
團員間彼此的互動 以及用樂器來對話
你都可以感受到那音樂的靈魂

結束後我跟老師們說 謝謝你們 我真的好久沒被音樂感動了QQ
他們笑著說：很久沒被感動 這樣好像不是一件好事耶
是啊 也許是長期一股腦子的只想練琴練琴練琴 卻忽略了音樂的本質
也幸好這次能再一次接觸到 這麼美妙的音樂 我才重新醒了過來

請支持台灣好音樂，他們是 無限融合樂團
快用新台幣讓他們的新專輯下架啦！！（我才不是業配呢～

#惟庸來分享
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_m80ssFjgZE

【孩子的心理平安】

You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.

I laughed as I read this quote by Franklin Jones.

Without fail, almost every lesson, this 7-year-old boy would gamely walk up to me and bellow, "老師，我好喜歡你啊！" (Teacher, I like you so much!)

He was rather tall and big for his age. Last week, he gave me a bear hug out of the blue, nearly knocking me over like a bowling pin.

To encourage him to speak more Mandarin, I engaged him in a conversation and asked, "你爲什麼那麽喜歡李老師？" (Why do you like me so much?)

He chirped excitedly with his toothy grin, "因爲你很漂亮！" (Because you are very pretty!)

I don't know whether to cry or to laugh.

.

This Facebook comment from Madam Teo struck a chord with me:

"我們用很長很長很長的時間把自己或孩子「弄壞」，然後期待以非常簡潔廉價的方式拿回那已經長茧的健康心理。"

We used a very very very long period of time to damage ourselves or our children. Then we look forward to reclaim that once healthy mindset, which is now infested with worms, with very cheap, easy and clean methods.

It is extremely hard to be a parent, much less a capable one.

Sometimes, there is nothing more ego tripping than trying to be a good parent.

Recently, I got hold of this book and the foreword written by a magazine editor, who is a working mum of two, was particularly insightful, and somewhat poignant.

She wrote:

從孩子一出生開始，我們爲人父母者的腦子裡就會出現兩個字：教育。我們希望通過「教育」讓孩子知書達理、令行禁止、敏而好學、從善如流。我們希望通過「教育」來塑造我們和孩子之間良好的關係⋯⋯祇是，「教育」二字帶來的強大使命感和緊迫感讓我們忽略了這樣的事實：我們與孩子之間先有關係，後有教育，我們首先是一個生命與另一個生命的親密組合，其次才是一個生命幫助另一個生命成爲更好的自己（且不論究竟是誰幫誰）。

From the beginning of a child's birth, the word that appears in the brains of us parents would be "education".

We hope that through "education", our children will be highly cultured and steeped in propriety, obey orders, smart and fond of studying, and follow good advice readily.

We wish that through "education", we build good relations with our children.

Thing is, the strong sense of mission and urgency, drummed by the word "education", often causes us to neglect this fact: We first have a relationship with our children, before education comes in.

We and our children, are essentially an intimate combination of one life with another life.

Secondly, it is then about one life helping another life to become a better version of himself/herself. (Let's not talk about who is actually helping who.)

.

These got me thinking about my work and my clients.

How some of them would move homes to be near the desired schools for their offspring.

How they send their kids to many many enrichment classes.

How they work very hard (some become SAHMs) to have better abilities to groom and nurture their children for their future.

They share the same aspiration as the magazine editor. It is no secret that most Singaporean parents take education very seriously. Instead of the phrase Tiger Mum, in Singapore, we call ourselves Lion Mums. #MajulahSingapura *mane flick*

When a male client came back seeking my Feng Shui service, I asked him why. I asked every client why by the way. It is my method of understanding my appeal to my market.

He told me he got favourable results since our Bazi consultation. His little girl getting into the school of their first choice was one reason.

It was a casual mention then when he told me about the school application. Through him, I learnt about the stress parents go through to get their children enrolled in the right schools. Out of empathy, I asked for his daughter's birth details and did a quick calculation to see if their preferred school was a good choice for her Bazi. Just because the parents like a particular school, does not mean the child will really benefit and be happy studying there.

Jackpot, it was great for the little girl. I gave my client some tips to secure the coveted spot in that school. It was a little extra bonus I gave him beyond the usual Bazi consultation. He had been mildly supportive of my work and remained polite, when I pointed out his areas to improve in our interactions.

.

More than once, clients have asked me if they can move homes to be near a particular school, for the sake of their children.

My answer is:

Always consider your marriage and livelihood first.

The energies in our living environment can either nurture us or break us. Not all houses are made equal.

If you are in a bad luck cycle, pretty sure you would know it without a fortune teller telling you, chances are you would be attracted to a house of poor Feng Shui. For without the intervention of a Feng Shui practitioner, the state of our Bazi determines the kind of Feng Shui we will naturally get.

The husband is considered the master of the house. While grooming our children is essential, you shouldn't compromise on the husband's career by moving into a house of lousy Feng Shui, just so that the child can register into your dream school.

Money woes, stagnant growth and loss of direction/drive in life can nail a stake into an otherwise happy family.

Last I know, broken families and highly strung parents are never recommended ingredients for happy and emotionally secure children.

The more family members there are, the more delicate my job is. To ensure every family member gets to benefit from great Feng Shui, within the constraints of a house, is always the most challenging part of my job.

.

Parents are the first and most intimate teachers of a child.

If a child does not have good role models to look up to at home, sending them to good schools will not have the desired impact as you crave.

Why?

Your DNA runs in the blood cells of your child. Say if you are a lazy person, who has a strong sense of entitlement, it is very likely your child's character will mirror yours. No matter what school he or she is in.

Because a child spends more time at home, with the family, than with his or her teachers.

Parenting is made even more challenging, if the father or mother lacks certain mental nourishment in his or her growing up years and is unable to repair and replenish himself or herself during the adulthood.

The deficient parent would not know how to give those nutrients to his or her child. And a vicious cycle ensues.

At different ages, a child will need different mental nutrition from the parents. These critical nutrients will form the backbone of the child's attitude in life, towards his or her education, marriage, career, lifestyle, family relations, friendships, money management, virtues and morals, ability to endure hardships, solve problems and pick up knowledge.

These mental nutrients are to be adequately given to the child before the age of 7.

One example of a mental nutrient the author raised in her book is the child's sense of importance.

Every child desires to feel valued by the parents. Especially between 0-3 years old. If the parents are emotionally unavailable and does not show to the child that he or she is very important to them, the child will instinctively seek this nutrient from another replacement adult.

Could be the grandparents or school teachers.

If he or she never manage to find this sense of being highly valued, he or she will spend his whole life looking for it.

They may fall in love with someone while still in secondary school, hoping that their partner will see them as the most important person in their lives.

As they get older, they will pester their partner with questions like:

• Am I the most important person in your life?
• How important am I?
• If I am a very terrible person, have a very bad character, will you still love me?

...

A quest like this consumes a lot of life energies for both persons in such a relationship. The child may over compromise on himself or herself in a relationship, just to be (the illusion of being) wanted and loved.

Over the past 11 years, I've worked with enough children and adults to see the truth in this author's comprehensive analysis.

.

When I do story telling to children, I tend to omit violence. For e.g. if the bad guy is caught and killed, I may modify the plot by saying that he is caught and thrown into prison.

I don't want the children to think that killing another person solves everything. There are already young boys, who go around the class shooting finger guns at their classmates and teachers, and calling it "fun".

While a good school makes a lot of difference, I also think attending religious classes is valuable for young children.

A child who only attends classes for self development will not learn enough to have the motivation to help others. Because those classes focus on his personal success, how to win the race, and not how he can help and love beyond his family and friends. Much less about how to break free from the endless wheel of reincarnation.

Some parents will tell me, they don't want to force their children into a religion at such a young age.

The dramatic irony when they "force" their child to go for tutition after tuition.

Sending your child to Buddhism lessons or Sunday school does not equate to coercing the child into a religion.

Religious classes build deep mental strength at a very different dimension from secular classes.

It teaches gratitude, altruism, compassion, karma, humility, filial piety, repentance (being able to admit you're wrong), precepts (do the right thing) and internal peace.

It shows the child the beauty of forgiveness and forbearance.

Religion also nourishes the child's soul by letting him or her know how important he or she is in the eyes of God, Buddha etc.

The child learns to make sense of the world he is living in and the purpose of his existence.

Jesus was betrayed, tortured and died on the cross. He spreaded the Gospel for only 12 short years. Buddha's blood-related disciple, Devadatta, plotted to kill Him with a drunk elephant but failed. He spoke poison of Buddha and eventually left Buddha, taking away with him 500 monks.

These are all extraordinary men who endured incredible hardships for Their cause. They, as with many great prophets, are the superheroes of Their time.

Thousands of years later, They withstood the test of time and are still highly revered all over the world.

Are Their stories not worth reading to our children? Is there nothing our children can learn from Them, to cope with the stress they will face?

Children don't tell us parents everything. By establishing this spiritual channel of communication, we cross our fingers (and toes) that our precious ones will not go leaping off from their room's window when things are rocky for them and they feel invalidated.

You should still allow the child to choose his or her own faith when they grow up. At least by then, you have built a (hopefully) good foundation of love, strength and empathy in your child when you had the chance to.

.

Proactive parents come to me to get their children's Bazi analysed, because they want to understand their children better and propel them in the right direction of growth.

They wish that their children can live a life more fulfilling than theirs, without having to fall too much.

If religion and Chinese Metaphysics aren't your cup of Teh Tarik, then I highly recommend this book that I am reading.

It is an equally good book for a "malnourished" adult to understand himself or herself.

I couldn't find it in Singapore bookstores, so the Husband bought my copy from an online Malaysia bookstore.

There are many Q&As in this book for parents with real-life problems in managing their children. The author gave very sensible and feasible recommendations. These were complied from the author's monthly column in the magazine and her 10,000+ strong real-life case studies.

Most people don't get to unleash their life potential this lifetime, because they lack the mentors and the mental nourishment to realise the powers of their Bazi.

Some of them blame their parents. But there is only so long you can blame them. How long more do you want to put your happiness in the hands of your parents? For the next 60 years? Perhaps like you, they didn't have parents who are adept at giving them the mental nourishment.

I don't think it matters whether you repair yourself when you are an adult or you, as a parent, only realise now what you have been doing wrong.

As long as we are willing to change and improve, we can always make up for lost time.

Better late than never.

...

《心理营养》

林文采 / 伍娜 / Shanghai Academy of Social Science Press / 288页 / Hardcover / 2016-3-1

心理营养的内容简介：

正如身体的健康需要物质营养，孩子心灵的成长与心理力量的强大必须获取足够的心理营养。

在成长的不同阶段，给足孩子恰当的心理营养，也就给了他一生幸福的底层代码。

本书中，作者阐述了“心理营养”的理念，同时介绍了气质理论在亲子教育中的应用。结合“心理营养”的理念和气质理论，作者从12个方面全方位回答了父母育儿中的常见问题。

五大心理营养：无条件的接纳；此时此刻，我生命中你最重要；安全感；肯定、赞美、认同；学习、认知、模范。

生命中的“五朵金花”：爱的能力；独立自主；联结；价值感；安全感。

12个方面的问题：
安全感 •情绪管理 •性格难题 •行为偏差 •社交与社会化 •夫妻关系 •妈妈的自我成长和支持 •父亲养育 •隔代养育 •性教育 •疑难表现 •其他生活琐事

Chord譜：http://yuppiemusic.com/song/jacky/flowerdie.txt

曲：李偲菘 詞：陳少琪

旁人來靜靜看我到底哀傷 等什麼 旁人來回關心中安慰 愛已沒結果
熱烈地開解一生 等妳也是奈何 彷彿我在拼命要稀罕援助

＠旁人來靜靜探聽我昨天哪裡出錯 何時重逢迷失中飄起這首歌
　是舊日 是認真執著的某個故事 可惜這份信念到今天多麼無助

＃曾天天真真的妳 愛假想某日別離後
　如孤孤單單的我 會否等妳就似這歌
　而飄飄忽忽的妳 到真的決定別離後
　留低空空虛虛的我 估不到結局是這歌

＊你知不知道 你知不知道 我等到花兒也謝了
　你知不知道 你知不知道 我等到花兒也謝了

Repeat ＠ ＃ ＊＊

你知不知道 你知不知道 我等到花兒也謝了

更多Chord譜：http://yuppiemusic.com/song.htm

Chord譜：http://yuppiemusic.com/song/eason/betternotmeet.txt

曲：陳小霞 詞：林夕

頭沾濕 無可避免 倫敦總依戀雨點
乘早機 忍耐著呵欠 完全為見你一面

＊尋得到 塵封小店 回不到相戀那天
　靈氣大概早被污染 誰為了生活不變

＃越渴望見面然後發現 中間隔著那十年
　我想見的笑臉 只有懷念 不懂怎去再聊天
　像我在往日還未抽煙 不知你怎麼變遷
　似等了一百年 忽爾明白
　即使再見面 成熟地表演 不如不見

Repeat ＊＃

更多Chord譜：http://yuppiemusic.com/song.htm